Wednesday, 29 May 2013

The Rumour Mill – sorting the bags of truth from the bags of shite

Heard a rumour but you’re not sure if it’s a bag of truth or just a big bag of shite? Send it to us and we’ll get our top investigative journalist Kris Dangle to look into it for you.

A bloke down the pub the other night told me that all the figures about speed cameras saving lives is just manipulation by the government because it’s really a stealth tax on law abiding citizens who have the right to break the law if they want and the only real place to get any real information about them is from blokes down the pub. Is this truly true?
I’ve checked out several similar rumours – for example, the only place to find out how the NHS should be run is from blokes down the pub or the only place to find out how to win the World Cup is from a bloke down the pub or the only place to find out why windfarms don’t work is from a bloke down the pub - and although several Colleges now offer third level courses in this, resulting in a Dip TS (Diploma in Talking Shite) there is no truth in this at all.

A friend of mine who knows a cyclist said that if a motorist tells you that they have a right to use the road because they pay road tax on their car despite this not being the case since 1936 you are allowed to kick them up their stupid arse without any fear of charges being brought against you. Could this really be the case?
Unfortunately this is not actually the case as there is currently no law against spouting ignorant shite when someone wants to justify being an ignorant cunt. You also can’t punch people in their stupid faces for parking in two spaces outside your local supermarket.

My granddad who is ninety five and knows a thing or two about how to be paranoid said that he heard from his childhood friend that Facebook sells all your posts to the illuminati and that by using all this information they are going to come and kill us all in our beds. Is he right?
He’s not totally correct. Facebook does sell all your information, but it’s just to the government. They have made a list of everyone who has ever posted a picture of their dinner and are currently rushing through legislation to compel all those on the list to wear a t-shirt with the legend – I’m an incredibly sad bastard.

I’ve just heard that the real reason David Beckham is retiring from football is that he finally has enough tattoos to work in a carnival. Is this the absolute truth?
Yes. Apparently he and Ozzy Osbourne have chipped in and bought a Waltzer together and they’ll be asking the residents of seaside towns to ‘Scream if you want to go faster,’ from July on.

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