Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Horoscopes by Shameless Charlatan Druid Keith

Summer is coming and many children of the stars, particularly those who’ve spent the winter months shoveling chocolate and pies into their faces, will be thinking about what a mess they’re going to look like on the beach for their annual two weeks in the sun holiday. Don’t worry! Help is always at hand on the astral plane and if you can believe your fate is written in the stars then you’ll easily believe all those diet books that promise a fabulous bikini body in two weeks. Remember, self-delusion is the key.

LEO
Leoniananists, this month, instead of crash dieting, combine your natural friendly outgoing demeanour with your innate ability to make inner beauty sound like a real thing when you get the opportunity to help a very overweight Libranianist friend (the most gullible of all the star children) with their diet. Reassure them of how well they’re doing and how their inner beauty really shines through and then invite them on holiday with you so that by comparison you will look a lot less shit on the beach.

VIRGO
Your natural star given gift of shiftiness and deceitful behaviour will increase tenfold from the 12th as Saturn enters your house and you spot a massive grey shabby tracksuit for sale in your local charity shop. Buy this item and then convince people you have lost half a ton by having your picture taken in it while pulling out the waistband. People will congratulate you no end and once you’ve shown it to a few workmates your capacity for self-delusion will kick in and you’ll begin to believe it yourself and so won’t feel guilty when you have a congratulatory bag of crisps every ten minutes.

LIBRA
Libranianists, this month beware of Leonianist friends offering you support while you’re on your bikini diet. Remember, no matter what they say and how beautiful they say you look, don’t go on holiday with them.

SCORPIO
Uranus pops into view this month for Scorpionianists and disaster strikes as you realise that the media has been lying to you about exercise making you lose weight because, despite doing Zumba classes for forty five minutes a week for the last three weeks you have not shed the eight stone you were hoping for. A moment of light glimmers on the 3rd when a friend tells you that you have inner beauty.

SAGITARIUS
Sagitarianists are the most kind-hearted of all the astrological brethren and with the transit of Venus this month you will find yourself in a position to make a Scorpionianist’s day by telling them they have inner beauty. It doesn’t have to be true as remember it is more important to feed someone’s self-delusion than it is to tell the truth.

CAPRICORN
Naturally the second most svelte of all the signs, now is the time for you business minded Capricornianists to put your plans for a new business into action. Start a Zumba class and count the cash as the desperate line up. You don’t need any training or anything – merely watch a video on You Tube and then dress in outlandish garishly coloured lycra and success is guaranteed.

AQUARIUS
Aquariusianists, you are the most boring of the astral children and so are perfectly suited to jogging in order to get into bikini shape. Remember to share your gift of boringness with others by perpetually banging on about how far you’ve jogged this week and post endlessly about it on facebook – everyone will love you for it.

PISCES
Health worries raise their ugly head for you Piscesianists on the 18th when you decide to go for a 10 mile run despite not having exercised since 1984. Make sure you wear your good pants beneath your tracksuit. On the bright side, you will be on a gurney at crotch height when an impressively equipped young doctor will be attempting to resuscitate you.

ARIES
One of the best things about being an Ariesianist is that you’re not naturally a greedy guts and so are the fittest looking of everybody in the whole wide world. Combine this star given gift with your mischievous nature by telling workmates on a diet that the reason you are so sylphlike is because you’re on the Brussels sprouts and baked bean diet and that’s all you ever eat. Then sit back at a safe distance and watch the fun.

TAURUS
Your star given talent with numbers will help you Taurusianists out with your plans for getting into shape this summer as you spend a lot of time working out the exact calorific content of every type of food known to man. You can further use your mathematical genius to cross reference these figures with the amount of calories burned off during various activities. Disaster strikes on the 30th as you realise that working out all these figures hasn’t burned a single calorie and that you should have actually got off your arse and joined a Zumba class.

GEMINI
Geninianists are naturally the most gregarious of creatures and opportunity will knock on your door on the 17th when you get the chance to join a local weight watchers group. This will help your self confidence no end by showing you that you’re in much better shape than at least half the other members.

CANCER
A moment of truth presents itself on the 14th for you Cancerianists as you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror and you realise there really is no point in even attempting to get in shape for the summer and that you’re just going to have to grin and bear it. And the answer lies in switching a couple of letters around as you should head for a nude beach and not just grin, but actually bare it/them. Once you get there you will realise that all the other people who have come to the same realisation vis-√†-vis getting in shape are already there so you’ll be in good company.

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