Saturday, 25 May 2013

Dear Ed ... Letters of the Satirical Variety

Dear Words with Jam,
They say you should always grasp the opportunity to try something new, so a couple of weeks ago I tried being a racist by voting for UKIP. What fun. And just as soon as they have finished building my conservatory (which is on budget and on time and looks fabulous) we should send them all back. At the next local election I’m going to try out being a homophobe by voting for a Conservative councillor.
Yours sincerely,
Mrs S Endembak

Dear Editor,
I am offended by a letter you printed on this page in this edition about ‘trying out’ being a racist. I’m sick of the middle classes and their whimsical changes of heart. I’ve been a card carrying racist all my life and these johnny-come.lately’s are spoiling it for everyone. My granddad would be spinning in his grave if he was dead.
Yours in disgust,
Wojciech Kowalewski

Dear fan of Dan Brown,
No amount of calling me a snob will change the fact that you like shite.
Yours truly,
Ed Ucated

Dear Words,
I recently went on a trip to IKEA where I spent an afternoon buying garden furniture and a barbeque. Imagine my embarrassment when I got all the stuff home and I realised that I live in Britain. How I laughed.
Yours laughingly,
D Ingbat, Chester

Dere Editor,
I have recently discovered that despite having a pretty good grasp on spelling, I regularly spell dere incorrectly. What am I like?
Yours truely,
Miss S Pelt
PS – I also have trouble with truely.

Dear Words,
I recently parked on a pelican crossing on my way home from IKEA and then hurled abuse at a traffic warden for ten minutes while they wrote me a ticket. Imagine my embarrassment when I got home and realised that I’m a cunt. How I laughed.
Yours laughingly,
D Ingbat, Chester

Dear Words,
I recently posted a photo of my dinner on facebook after getting home from IKEA. Imagine my embarrassment when I realised that I’m unbelievably boring. How I laughed.
Yours laughingly,
D Ingbat, Chester

Dear Sir,
I recently saw a news item on the television about a guy who has invented a gun that you can simply print out on a three dimensional printer. Ah, yes, all very clever, but can it print out bullets? Also, can it print out some quality weed?
Sincerely yours,
Kle VerCloggs, Holland

No comments:

Post a comment