Saturday, 25 May 2013

A Plea to Seamus Heaney by Melanie Branton

Last Quarter's Humour Verse Winner 

I may sound like a meanie,
but, hey! Seamus Heaney!
Isn’t it time you retired?
I wish that you would:
you’re just too bloody good
and you make me feel cowed, not inspired.

You’ve won the Nobel
and the Whitbread, as well,
awards of all shapes and all sizes.
Bugger this for a lark!
How can I make my mark
when some Irish bloke hogs all the prizes?

When you keep writing verse,
I just holler and curse,
‘til I work myself into a tizzy.
Since you’re so fond of digging,
can’t you just get a frigging
allotment to keep yourself busy?

Or perhaps you could try
taking up DIY?
Plumbing might suit you the best:
you could keep your own log
of stuff found in the bog,
since it’s something with which you’re obsessed.

If you lay down your pen
and don’t use it again,
I’ll be much more calm and less huffy.
when I’m feeling less vexed,
I can concentrate next

on taking out Carol-Ann Duffy…

Flash 500 runs three competitions. We have an open-themed category for fiction up to 500 words. There is also a humour verse section, asking for any form of funny poetry, from a limerick to a poem of 32 lines.

Both of the above are quarterly competitions with closing dates of 31st March, 30th June, 30th September and 31st December.

The Novel Opening Chapter & Synopsis Competition is a new annual competition, opening for entries on 1st May and closing on 31st October.

For information on all three competitions, visit the Flash 500 website: 

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