Tuesday, 3 January 2012

If in Doubt, Invent Your Own - your chance to win a printed copy of WWJ AND invent new meanings to words

- a new initiative from the makers of Words with Jam

How many words do we have at our disposal? The OED lists over 500,000, not including scientific terms and most teenage expressions. In comparison, German has a vocabulary of less than 200,000 and the French only half that, even when you include words they stole from us, like le weekend, le snacque-barre and le hit-parade. So, yeah, we like totally rule.

But the thing with words is that there are never enough of the bloody things, and we continually find ourselves using hand-gestures, sulking and mindless violence to get our points across instead. So, are you fed up with being grunted at by husbands, continually hearing “fine” and “nothing” from your wives and nursing your swollen and bleeding knuckles after yet another alcohol-related pub-disagreement? Fret not, WWJ is here to help. We’re inventing new words that sum up those feelings of frustration you get when you can’t find the right way to express yourself, and ways to describe those day-to-day situations which are familiar but for which words just don’t exist. Here are some examples:

Bileptic (adj): relating to the ability to hold two widely differing mindsets at once, and to switch between them depending on the company you’re in. Nick Clegg is a famous sufferer of Bilepsy.

Dooky-noo (n): A medieval Barbie-type doll game for girls, based on the witch/ducking stool test. How to play: your daughter’s dooky-noo was thrown into the village pond by the local witchfinder-sergeant. If it floated, your daughter was burned alive. If it sank, your daughter was thrown into the pond after it. See also Kenny-noo for boys. Lutheran or heretic? Same principles apply, each sold separately.

Zonambric (adj): A technical term describing the hypocritical suspension of political correctness in certain circumstances. In last week’s episode of Gok Wan’s Fat Birds Catwalk Special, Gok Wan was heard to shriek “Ooooh get a load of those bangers, love. You go girlie!” In an obviously zonambric reaction, his comment was met with laughter and applause, but when football commentator Andy Gray made a similar comment to a Sky News weathergirl a few months ago, it resulted in his immediate suspension and later sacking.

So, over to you. Define meanings for the following words, please. The best entries will be printed in WWJ and a select few will win prizes including trips to see Jedward live, holidays in Albania and a free printed copy of this magazine! Your words will be judged by misanthrope and potty-mouth Perry Iles, whose bi-monthly WWJ columns are known to literally dozens, so please don’t hold back – expressions that encompass the wide swathe of vileness and cruelty that define the human spirit will receive an especially warm welcome:


And finally, we need your help in this verbal initiative. Please send us your words, and our resident expert will provide you with definitions of them. In this way, we will do our bit to improve the state of humanity as a whole, and the degree of literacy that exists within it. Your cultural future needs you!

Email them to us at editor@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject 'Invent your own' or post them on our Facebook wall.


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